Thursday, March 5, 2009

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right

Today is the Bean's 6th birthday. He is bigger every year and it is amazing and cause to celebrate the hell out of him, but there it is. He's in the middle, sandwiched between two paragons of where-the-hell-did-my-life-go insanity, more of a road marker of my age than a brick wall. Poor man has a burden and part of it is my inattention--I lost a year and a half of his life which means he really should only be turning 4 today. While the Sprout was sucking my life force the Bean kept growing, changing, evolving, but I wasn't present to witness it so when I look back on pictures of those 18 months, roughly half of the pregnancy and a goodly part of the Sprout's first year, I don't remember being there with him. I remember being there with Sprout, trying like hell to burn memories of him into my brain so I could recall all the sweetness of the last baby later. I remember being there with Peanut because...well, because Peanut has always been good at demanding attention. God help me, I remember the big and the little but the middle somehow leaked away. I've tried so hard to be here for my people, to be present and real and HERE, but sometimes I just wasn't. I could have tried harder. The Bean suffered. We've spent the last several months unraveling the trauma that having a baby caused him to suffer and my heart breaks for him when he gets in trouble at school because his needs aren't being met and he doesn't know how to communicate his disappointment without yelling or hitting. Things are better. Things are good now, I've got my brain back and it's helpful. My Bean is 6 today and he is beautiful and loved.